I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
