um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
