M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
where are my eyebrows?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
