I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
