you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
