I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
