Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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