her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
