I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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