I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
