call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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