Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
