Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
