I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
