highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
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He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
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