i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
