i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
