Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I need moral support for this bender
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.