this beer tastes like vomit already
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
