So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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