somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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