I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
