The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
