: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
