dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
