i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
