Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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