I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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