he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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