onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
