Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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