i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You are a genius and a whore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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