I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
