The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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