i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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