I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
