Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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