How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
