Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
