what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
