im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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