the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
