i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
