After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
