ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
