I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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