New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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