I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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