ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
