walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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