i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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