she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
