I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
