Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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