he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
