this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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